If Seeing and Feeling Meant Believing
May. 23rd, 2017 10:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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kaiserparty[The inhabitants of the area surrounding the tree had long since turned in for the night. The shops had all closed and though lamps illuminated the city no one roamed the streets this late save for one man.
Shirotsuki could be found sitting beneath the immense tree with a stack of petals beside him and one resting in his palm. There were images in the light that emanated from the petals. Images of places and people simultaneously intimate and utterly alien to Shirotsuki. There were voices too and if he focused hard enough they became clearer. They were memories— his memories. Or so he wanted to believe.
Ever since he'd encountered the strange phenomenon Shirotsuki felt compelled to return to the tree more often. He wanted to understand just how much of it was real and perhaps recover these missing pieces of himself. All this he chose to do in the dead of night. After all, he hadn't exactly made the cost of using his magic public knowledge. Not even to those closest to him.
And so he returned, night after night to look into the petals. Especially the ones of the girl with the brilliant smile...]
Shirotsuki could be found sitting beneath the immense tree with a stack of petals beside him and one resting in his palm. There were images in the light that emanated from the petals. Images of places and people simultaneously intimate and utterly alien to Shirotsuki. There were voices too and if he focused hard enough they became clearer. They were memories— his memories. Or so he wanted to believe.
Ever since he'd encountered the strange phenomenon Shirotsuki felt compelled to return to the tree more often. He wanted to understand just how much of it was real and perhaps recover these missing pieces of himself. All this he chose to do in the dead of night. After all, he hadn't exactly made the cost of using his magic public knowledge. Not even to those closest to him.
And so he returned, night after night to look into the petals. Especially the ones of the girl with the brilliant smile...]
no subject
Date: 2017-06-05 06:44 pm (UTC)Haha well, at least you don't accidentally make it hard for yourself to breathe; that's already one point in your favor.
[He purposefully didn't use words like "choke" or "suffocate" so scare Hibiki. Shirotsuki casts a glance over at the petals.]
...It was difficult to say that name; I'm not even entirely sure why. It was like I had something stuck in my throat and I thought it might... Make me sad to say it.
Is that silly?
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Date: 2017-06-07 03:10 am (UTC)[Oops, she still looks pretty panicked at that thought. Breathing is sort of important, Master!
He is asking her a question though, and she does her best to provide an answer, even if she's still quite alarmed.]
E-er... I don't think so? But...
[She glances around uncertainly, mostly out of habit before her eyes alight on the petals still scattered on the ground.]
Is it... the memories? Are they sad ones...?
no subject
Date: 2017-06-07 08:50 pm (UTC)The memories?
[He reaches over to scoop up one of the petals and holds it so that Hibiki can see too. The images within only show the girl, Yui, but the person she's speaking with is unmistakably Shirotsuki. They appear to be having an animated discussion about curtains.
Tiny stars begin to materialize around Shirotsuki's head as he watches the conversation unfold. He doesn't look away from the petal but smiles.]
...No, I don't think they're sad at all. I think I was actually quite happy.
[He so desperately wishes he could remember that conversation instead of merely seeing it through whatever magic makes the memories appear in the petals. But even though he couldn't recall ever actually speaking to the girl Shirotsuki knew that it was real because something stirred inside him each and every time he saw her smile or heard her voice.
It made him happy just to know that, at some point, he'd been capable of making someone smile the way she did for him.]
no subject
Date: 2017-06-10 06:29 am (UTC)You just looked so upset before…
[She still seems uncertain, but she lets her head tip down again as she moves to go lean on him, wrapping her arms somewhat clumsily around his arm in a sort-of-hug.]
You’re glad you get to see the memories on the petals, though?
no subject
Date: 2017-06-19 08:01 pm (UTC)Yes. These are all important things I thought I'd forgotten.
[Technically he still couldn't remember but at least now he knows that these things happened.]
At least with these I know I won't completely forget anything else precious to me.
[His smile falters momentarily as he says it. Shirotsuki didn't know what became of Yui—he hasn't seen that far yet—but he knows that it's been some time since they were together. She was such an important part of his life and yet without the petals, he may never have even remembered her face.
It breaks his heart to think that one day he may lose any memory of the little girl clinging to him now.
After a moment's silence Shirotsuki speaks up again.]
Hibiki I have a question for you and I need you to answer it the best way you can. Okay?
no subject
Date: 2017-06-20 04:58 am (UTC)Huh? What is it?
[This sounds important... She better pay attention.]
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Date: 2017-06-21 06:28 pm (UTC)Once he has her attention Shirotsuki continues with his question.]
Okay, now listen carefully.
Let's say there is a man. This man lives with his family whom he loves very much. He also has a very important job that only he can do.
[He pauses momentarily to check if Hibiki is following so far.]
But this job is very dangerous and it begins to make him ill. The man realizes that one day he may die because of it, but he can't stop doing his job because his work will give everyone in the whole world the chance to be as happy as he is with his own family.
The man's family doesn't know that he's sick and he doesn't want to tell them because he knows it will make them very sad if he does. He doesn't want to ruin their happiness while he can still be with them....
[He pauses again to let all of that sink in.]
Do you think the man is doing the right thing by keeping silent or would it be better if he told them the truth?
[The answer isn't an easy one for Shirotsuki for obvious reasons— well obvious to him anyway. He feels a pang of guilt for using such a roundabout method but this seems like the best way for him to gauge Hibiki's feelings on the subject without telling her about his condition outright.
In his own way, he wants to let her decide if she wants to know...]
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Date: 2017-06-23 12:50 am (UTC)It must be super important… If it can help so many people.
[The weight of that isn’t lost on her, and she lowers her head as she thinks it over carefully.]
If… If the man is doing something so important…
I think his family would like to know. Because, if they do… They’ll understand why he has to, won’t they? And I’m sure they’d be really proud of him, knowing why he’s doing it.
[Though her voice still sounds uncertain, and there’s a certain watery quality to the air. Truth be told, she’s not sure how she would want to handle such a thing outside of hypotheticals. It’s just too sad…]
no subject
Date: 2017-06-26 06:26 pm (UTC)[Shirotsuki smiles. Hibiki's insight never fails to impress him and he does his best to keep the smile on his face as he continues.]
Hibiki what if...
[He desperately wants to stop there.
It would be so easy to change the subject to something happier and spare her the pain. Tomorrow it would just be a sad made-up story she'd heard from him and Hibiki could go about her day as if nothing was different.
But he knows that it would only be temporary.
One day she would wake up and Shirotsuki could have absolutely no memory of her. Every every cup of tea, every smile—— every happy moment they ever shared, would be gone forever and only she would know any of it had happened. By then it would be too late for him to explain why.
He could never bring himself to do something so unimaginably cruel to her. And so with a heavy heart, Shirotsuki steels his resolve.]
What if I told you that I was the man in that story?
1/2
Date: 2017-06-28 02:02 am (UTC)It's a slow thing, the way her eyes go wide as the full implications of those words hit her. In the distance is a quiet, pitched ring, like someone has struck a glass and allowed the sound to go, and go, and go.]
2/2
Date: 2017-06-28 02:02 am (UTC)[It... It doesn't make sense. Did she hear him wrong? She must have. There's no way...
At least, none that she wants to believe.]
I'm sorry this took so long! I was devoured by work and video games. D:
Date: 2017-07-06 11:47 am (UTC)Shirotsuki leans closer and grasps her shoulders reassuringly.]
Hibiki, it's okay! I promise that I'm not dying.
[Not in the traditional sense anyway. But he could explain that in a moment, he just needs to make sure she's okay first.]
No worries!
Date: 2017-07-07 01:12 am (UTC)Wh...
What do you mean?
[Just what was that story? And...
Was it... going to take him away...?]
no subject
Date: 2017-07-07 11:28 am (UTC)I'm sorry I scared you but I do have something very important to tell you. I need you to be brave and listen very carefully, okay?
[Shirotsuki wipes the tears away from the corners of her eyes and takes a deep breath.]
Hibiki you know that all magic from our world has a price, yes?
[It seems incredibly scary to finally be saying it all out loud but he has to do it. For both of their sakes.
Shirotsuki tries to keep his explanation as simple as possible so as not to frighten her more.]
The price of my magic is... my memories. Whenever I use magic I forget something.
no subject
Date: 2017-07-09 08:53 pm (UTC)Sacrifice. That's what each and every spell had in common, wasn't it? And all this time she had never known... never wanted to know, really, what it was that her Master had to sacrifice in order to use his.
Despite everything that had happened, he'd always been with her. So surely, surely... He'd never leave her.
...Right?]
Y-your... memories...?
[She doesn't put together exactly what he means by that. She doesn't want to.]
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Date: 2017-07-12 08:26 pm (UTC)Yes, even now I can't really recall much of my childhood.
[He glances over to the image of Yui in the petals with sadness in his eyes.]
Or that precious person...
[He just lets the implication hang there. Shirotsuki can't bring himself to say the words out loud— it feels like his heart would shatter if he does.
Despite his reasoning that Hibiki needed to know about his condition Shirotsuki doesn't feel any better having told her about it. He just feels so incredibly cruel and selfish.
When he speaks again, he can't keep his voice from cracking.]
I'm so sorry, Hibiki.
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Date: 2017-07-15 02:04 am (UTC)...No.
[It's a hushed whisper, barely heard. But she repeats it again, her voice stronger:]
No.
[Her voice wavers, but it's louder, clearer.]
Y-you're not... You can't leave! [And her own voice is cracking, jumping up even higher in pitch in her distress.]
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Date: 2017-07-21 04:17 pm (UTC)[Hibiki's reaction is overwhelming for Shirotsuki and yet he feels a strange sense of deja vu. It almost like this isn't the first time he's had this conversation. Did this exact same thing happen with Yui? Is that why she wasn't around anymore? How many other people had he discarded throughout his life? It makes him angry to think of the choices he must have made before.
Shirotsuki shifts forward on his knees and wraps her tiny form in a massive hug.]
...
["Then I won't use magic anymore."
He desperately wants to make that promise... But he knows that it isn't one he can make so easily. At some point, sooner or later, there would be a crisis that only magic could resolve. And if such a crisis involved Hibiki Shirotsuki wouldn't even hesitate, no matter how high the cost.
But even if he would have to someday use his magic to protect her, didn't he have a more immediate responsibility?
Yes, he needed to care for her, not just as a protector but also... as a parent. But did her needs outweigh the needs of a whole world?
It's an extraordinarily difficult question but the truth is Shirotsuki had already decided what his answer was a long time ago...
Back when he showed kindness to a frightened young girl hiding in his shed and then allowed her to stay with him.]
I won't leave you.
no subject
Date: 2017-07-23 07:00 am (UTC)Then... She'd be all alone again.
She won't move for a while, so long as he lets her stay right where she is. But throughout it, a gentle wind seems to swirl around them, not enough to push, but almost as though creating a protective wall around them.]