If Seeing and Feeling Meant Believing

[preciousimpressions]

[The inhabitants of the area surrounding the tree had long since turned in for the night. The shops had all closed and though lamps illuminated the city no one roamed the streets this late save for one man.

Shirotsuki could be found sitting beneath the immense tree with a stack of petals beside him and one resting in his palm. There were images in the light that emanated from the petals. Images of places and people simultaneously intimate and utterly alien to Shirotsuki. There were voices too and if he focused hard enough they became clearer. They were memories— his memories. Or so he wanted to believe.

Ever since he'd encountered the strange phenomenon Shirotsuki felt compelled to return to the tree more often. He wanted to understand just how much of it was real and perhaps recover these missing pieces of himself. All this he chose to do in the dead of night. After all, he hadn't exactly made the cost of using his magic public knowledge. Not even to those closest to him.

And so he returned, night after night to look into the petals. Especially the ones of the girl with the brilliant smile...]

Comments

[tea_rs]

[The first night she'd realized he left, she had simply decided to go to bed. She'd been thinking of enjoying a nice cup of chamomile tea before she slept, and had wanted to invite Shirotsuki to a cup as well... only to find his bedroom curiously empty.

Tonight, however, she'd heard the door creak open as he left. It definitely wasn't Kevin or Bulat - she knows, now, what their schedules are most often like, and tonight there wasn't any plan of them being out. So that left...

She knows that there are quite a few people who would be upset to know she's out so late. With that knowledge comes a certain sense of guilt. On the other hand, she will be with her Master, even if he doesn't exactly realize she's following him. But that just adds to the guilt even more, because she's sneaking along after him and he's none the wiser.

Still. Still, she wants to know just what it is that compels him to leave so late, and eventually she finds herself peering at him as he sits under the Tree of Memories, collecting...

Petals?

It's a while before she gathers the courage to approach him. Part of her thinks it may be better if she simply went home again, but the other part of her knows that not only should she come clean, but, well - the streets are scary, and she wouldn't feel entirely safe walking alone anyhow.

Reluctantly, she begins to walk towards him, guilt written all over her face as her hands clasp together in an effort to keep from fidgeting.]

Er... Master...?

[preciousimpressions]

[Shirotsuki is so entranced by the imagery in the petals that he nearly doesn't realize that he's not alone. It's only once Hibiki speaks up that his concentration finally breaks. He flinches at first, hastily dropping the petal as his gaze darts toward the source of the voice.

Recognizing the tiny figure in front of him Shirotsuki calms down a bit.]

Hibiki?

[Had she followed him? Or did something happen at the house?]

What are you doing out here? You should be in bed.

[He's one to talk.]

[tea_rs]

[It’s true… And she hangs her head with shame when he says as much.]

I wondered where you were going, but um… Now that we’re here, I don’t really feel safe going home alone…

[Weh. And with that said, she quickly bows in apology.]

I-I’m sorry!

[preciousimpressions]

[While it's dangerous to be wandering the streets at this hour Shirotsuki doesn't really want to scold her since he was doing something sneaky too. He offers her a smile, waving off her apology.]

You don't have to apologize, I suppose I should have said that I would be going out. But if you were worried you should have woken Mr.Regnard instead of coming after me by yourself.

[He says that but he's glad that she didn't do it— trying to explain himself to her alone would be hard enough. He doesn't want to lie to her but at the same time, Shirotsuki doesn't really know how to explain what he's doing.]

Well, you can stay with me for now and we'll walk home together. Sound good?

[As he says that a soft breeze knocks over his petal pile, making the memories in each plainly visible.]

[tea_rs]

[She nods only too eagerly, relieved that she’s not in any trouble. Though she knows Shirotsuki is seldom cross with her, it’s one of those ingrained responses that she still has yet to shed entirely.

It does not, however, distract her entirely from the little pile of petals, especially once they’ve been scattered on the ground. She gives a soft gasp of concern.]

Oh no, they fell!

[And, in her eagerness to help, she hurries to go help gather them up… Only to pause right as she settles on her knees, staring at the images playing out over them.]

--Huh…?

[She knows, of course, what these petals are known to do. The fact that her Master’s memories have been captured on them is common sense, really. But there’s someone pictured in them, someone she doesn’t recognize at all despite the green robes…]

Who is…?

[preciousimpressions]

[When she goes after the petals Shirotsuki reaches out in an all too futile attempt to stop her.]

Hibiki wait—!

[It's too late, she's already seen it.

It's not like Shirotsuki hasn't thought about how he would explain his "condition" to her before, but now that the reality of it is before him he struggles to find the words.

Thankfully Hibiki has a question. That should make things easier.]

Oh, that's my... My... She's...

[Of course Shirotsuki knew her name from the few times he'd seen her in the petals but for some reason, it feels like it would break his heart if he were to say it. The name that simultaneously fills his him with immeasurable joy and sorrow. So much so that it begins to sap the oxygen out of the air around him.

It isn't long before he starts to feel dizzy and he soon recognizes it as an effect of this world's magic. Knowing that the effects are linked to his emotions Shirotsuki understands that the only way to stop himself from suffocating is to alter his emotional state. He has to say her name.]

...Yui!

[He manages to choke it out and is relieved that the air begins to return. Shirotsuki starts to wonder how odd his inner turmoil must look to Hibiki before he realizes that there are tears in his eyes. Why is he crying? He isn't sad, in fact saying the name out loud felt unusually pleasant.

Just who exactly is Yui and why does she spark such confusing feelings in him?]

[tea_rs]

[She starts a bit when he reaches for her, surprised at the sudden movement. However, the look of surprise quickly turns to a wide-eyed concern as something strange begins to happen, Shirotsuki apparently having trouble… breathing?]

Master…?

[Her own worries cause the air to become watery, the humidity remaining even after he manages to gasp out the name. Carefully, she stands up again, picking her way over the petals so she can sit right next to him, looking at him uncertainly.]

Are you okay, Master-?!

[Yui… She’s seen that name before, inside of her Master’s pocket watch. But that takes a backseat at the moment to making sure he’s okay.]

[preciousimpressions]

[It takes Shirotsuki a few moments to catch his breath but he gives Hibiki a smile to let her know everything is all right. While doing that he ponders the dangers of the emotion-based magic. Would he have died if he continued to panic or would he have just passed out from the lack of oxygen?

Feeling the sudden dampness in the air, peculiar for tonight's weather, he wonders if it too is a result of magic and whether he or Hibiki are responsible for it.

Finally, his breathing steadies enough for him to talk.]

I'm... okay. See?

[He flashes another smile.]

I just got a little excited is all, I'm still getting used to the magic in this world. You seem to have a much better handle on it than I do, Hibiki.

[tea_rs]

[He... seems okay, even if the scare still has her dubious. The dampness in the air immediately eases off, but doesn't quite vanish entirely.]

I-- I wouldn't say that. I still can't control it at all...

[And, being a dumb kid as she is, there's not much she can do about that...]

It... looked like you were hurting.

[preciousimpressions]

[Shirotsuki smiles at her silently wishing he could give her more confidence in herself.]

Haha well, at least you don't accidentally make it hard for yourself to breathe; that's already one point in your favor.

[He purposefully didn't use words like "choke" or "suffocate" so scare Hibiki. Shirotsuki casts a glance over at the petals.]

...It was difficult to say that name; I'm not even entirely sure why. It was like I had something stuck in my throat and I thought it might... Make me sad to say it.

Is that silly?

[tea_rs]

H-hard to breathe?!

[Oops, she still looks pretty panicked at that thought. Breathing is sort of important, Master!

He is asking her a question though, and she does her best to provide an answer, even if she's still quite alarmed.]

E-er... I don't think so? But...

[She glances around uncertainly, mostly out of habit before her eyes alight on the petals still scattered on the ground.]

Is it... the memories? Are they sad ones...?

[preciousimpressions]

[Shirotsuki avoids answering her first question; explaining it might just scare her more. Yes, it's better for her to see that he's fine now.]

The memories?

[He reaches over to scoop up one of the petals and holds it so that Hibiki can see too. The images within only show the girl, Yui, but the person she's speaking with is unmistakably Shirotsuki. They appear to be having an animated discussion about curtains.

Tiny stars begin to materialize around Shirotsuki's head as he watches the conversation unfold. He doesn't look away from the petal but smiles.]

...No, I don't think they're sad at all. I think I was actually quite happy.

[He so desperately wishes he could remember that conversation instead of merely seeing it through whatever magic makes the memories appear in the petals. But even though he couldn't recall ever actually speaking to the girl Shirotsuki knew that it was real because something stirred inside him each and every time he saw her smile or heard her voice.

It made him happy just to know that, at some point, he'd been capable of making someone smile the way she did for him.]

[tea_rs]

[She looks at the petal, watching the memory with open curiously. When she looks up again, her expression is still melancholy, but the worry at least appears to be finally fading somewhat.]

You just looked so upset before…

[She still seems uncertain, but she lets her head tip down again as she moves to go lean on him, wrapping her arms somewhat clumsily around his arm in a sort-of-hug.]

You’re glad you get to see the memories on the petals, though?

[preciousimpressions]

[Shirotsuki is still invested in the petal so the sudden physical contact startles him briefly. Once he realizes that it's Hibiki hugging him he carefully lays the petal on the ground and moves his free hand over to gently pat her on the head.]

Yes. These are all important things I thought I'd forgotten.

[Technically he still couldn't remember but at least now he knows that these things happened.]

At least with these I know I won't completely forget anything else precious to me.

[His smile falters momentarily as he says it. Shirotsuki didn't know what became of Yui—he hasn't seen that far yet—but he knows that it's been some time since they were together. She was such an important part of his life and yet without the petals, he may never have even remembered her face.

It breaks his heart to think that one day he may lose any memory of the little girl clinging to him now.

After a moment's silence Shirotsuki speaks up again.]

Hibiki I have a question for you and I need you to answer it the best way you can. Okay?

[tea_rs]

[With the headpats comes a soft scent of tea - a scent he should find quite familiar, since it smells exactly like the tea she so loved to brew back home. However, it fades again when he poses that question, distracting her.]

Huh? What is it?

[This sounds important... She better pay attention.]

[preciousimpressions]

[The scent of the tea has a calming effect on Shirotsuki; it reminds him of some of the happy moments that he can actually still remember. He considers asking Hibiki to make some once they return to the house, provided that she isn't too sleepy by then.

Once he has her attention Shirotsuki continues with his question.]

Okay, now listen carefully.

Let's say there is a man. This man lives with his family whom he loves very much. He also has a very important job that only he can do.

[He pauses momentarily to check if Hibiki is following so far.]

But this job is very dangerous and it begins to make him ill. The man realizes that one day he may die because of it, but he can't stop doing his job because his work will give everyone in the whole world the chance to be as happy as he is with his own family.

The man's family doesn't know that he's sick and he doesn't want to tell them because he knows it will make them very sad if he does. He doesn't want to ruin their happiness while he can still be with them....

[He pauses again to let all of that sink in.]

Do you think the man is doing the right thing by keeping silent or would it be better if he told them the truth?

[The answer isn't an easy one for Shirotsuki for obvious reasons— well obvious to him anyway. He feels a pang of guilt for using such a roundabout method but this seems like the best way for him to gauge Hibiki's feelings on the subject without telling her about his condition outright.

In his own way, he wants to let her decide if she wants to know...]

[tea_rs]

[She listens intently, her emotions clear on her face as her expression falls in sympathy for the man described in the story. However, it never occurs to her even once that this person is in fact someone she knows very, very well.]

It must be super important… If it can help so many people.

[The weight of that isn’t lost on her, and she lowers her head as she thinks it over carefully.]

If… If the man is doing something so important…

I think his family would like to know. Because, if they do… They’ll understand why he has to, won’t they? And I’m sure they’d be really proud of him, knowing why he’s doing it.

[Though her voice still sounds uncertain, and there’s a certain watery quality to the air. Truth be told, she’s not sure how she would want to handle such a thing outside of hypotheticals. It’s just too sad…]

[preciousimpressions]

You really think so?

[Shirotsuki smiles. Hibiki's insight never fails to impress him and he does his best to keep the smile on his face as he continues.]

Hibiki what if...

[He desperately wants to stop there.

It would be so easy to change the subject to something happier and spare her the pain. Tomorrow it would just be a sad made-up story she'd heard from him and Hibiki could go about her day as if nothing was different.

But he knows that it would only be temporary.

One day she would wake up and Shirotsuki could have absolutely no memory of her. Every every cup of tea, every smile—— every happy moment they ever shared, would be gone forever and only she would know any of it had happened. By then it would be too late for him to explain why.

He could never bring himself to do something so unimaginably cruel to her. And so with a heavy heart, Shirotsuki steels his resolve.]

What if I told you that I was the man in that story?

1/2

[tea_rs]

[...?

It's a slow thing, the way her eyes go wide as the full implications of those words hit her. In the distance is a quiet, pitched ring, like someone has struck a glass and allowed the sound to go, and go, and go.]

2/2

[tea_rs]

Y-you're... huh?

[It... It doesn't make sense. Did she hear him wrong? She must have. There's no way...

At least, none that she wants to believe.]

I'm sorry this took so long! I was devoured by work and video games. D:

[preciousimpressions]

[Shirotsuki immediately regrets not being more articulate with his admission but he couldn't think of a better way he could have done it. Chances are pretty good that she would have reacted this way no matter what he said, but he realizes now that the analogy of the dying man was a poor one. He couldn't blame Hibiki for being upset.

Shirotsuki leans closer and grasps her shoulders reassuringly.]

Hibiki, it's okay! I promise that I'm not dying.

[Not in the traditional sense anyway. But he could explain that in a moment, he just needs to make sure she's okay first.]

No worries!

[tea_rs]

[She definitely looks about ready to cry, the tears already forming. Her mind is a flurry - just what did he...]

Wh...

What do you mean?

[Just what was that story? And...

Was it... going to take him away...?]

[preciousimpressions]

[Seeing that look on her face is almost unbearable for him—especially since he's the reason for it— but he knows there's not backing out now.]

I'm sorry I scared you but I do have something very important to tell you. I need you to be brave and listen very carefully, okay?

[Shirotsuki wipes the tears away from the corners of her eyes and takes a deep breath.]

Hibiki you know that all magic from our world has a price, yes?

[It seems incredibly scary to finally be saying it all out loud but he has to do it. For both of their sakes.

Shirotsuki tries to keep his explanation as simple as possible so as not to frighten her more.]

The price of my magic is... my memories. Whenever I use magic I forget something.

[tea_rs]

[She stares up at him numbly, trying to listen even as that ringing sound seems to envelop her very thoughts, muting everything else around it by comparison. Her efforts to pay attention are fought every inch of the way by her desire not to know, her wish to remain exactly like before, without having to know, without having to acknowledge...

Sacrifice. That's what each and every spell had in common, wasn't it? And all this time she had never known... never wanted to know, really, what it was that her Master had to sacrifice in order to use his.

Despite everything that had happened, he'd always been with her. So surely, surely... He'd never leave her.

...Right?]

Y-your... memories...?

[She doesn't put together exactly what he means by that. She doesn't want to.]

[preciousimpressions]

[Shirotsuki can see that Hibiki isn't taking any of this well but since she doesn't tell him to stop he continues his explanation.]

Yes, even now I can't really recall much of my childhood.

[He glances over to the image of Yui in the petals with sadness in his eyes.]

Or that precious person...

[He just lets the implication hang there. Shirotsuki can't bring himself to say the words out loud— it feels like his heart would shatter if he does.

Despite his reasoning that Hibiki needed to know about his condition Shirotsuki doesn't feel any better having told her about it. He just feels so incredibly cruel and selfish.

When he speaks again, he can't keep his voice from cracking.]

I'm so sorry, Hibiki.

[tea_rs]

[She sits there in silence for a full moment as he confirms it, her thoughts seeming to come to a stop. He loses his memories... had even lost his memories of someone so very important to him already with every spell he casts.]

...No.

[It's a hushed whisper, barely heard. But she repeats it again, her voice stronger:]

No.

[Her voice wavers, but it's louder, clearer.]

Y-you're not... You can't leave! [And her own voice is cracking, jumping up even higher in pitch in her distress.]

[preciousimpressions]

Hibiki...

[Hibiki's reaction is overwhelming for Shirotsuki and yet he feels a strange sense of deja vu. It almost like this isn't the first time he's had this conversation. Did this exact same thing happen with Yui? Is that why she wasn't around anymore? How many other people had he discarded throughout his life? It makes him angry to think of the choices he must have made before.

Shirotsuki shifts forward on his knees and wraps her tiny form in a massive hug.]

...

["Then I won't use magic anymore."

He desperately wants to make that promise... But he knows that it isn't one he can make so easily. At some point, sooner or later, there would be a crisis that only magic could resolve. And if such a crisis involved Hibiki Shirotsuki wouldn't even hesitate, no matter how high the cost.

But even if he would have to someday use his magic to protect her, didn't he have a more immediate responsibility?
Yes, he needed to care for her, not just as a protector but also... as a parent. But did her needs outweigh the needs of a whole world?

It's an extraordinarily difficult question but the truth is Shirotsuki had already decided what his answer was a long time ago...

Back when he showed kindness to a frightened young girl hiding in his shed and then allowed her to stay with him.]

I won't leave you.

[tea_rs]

[She leans heavily into the hug, hands gripping tight at his clothes even as she proceeds to cry on him. She can't bear the thought of him forgetting her, can't bear the thought of him leaving. If he did, then...

Then... She'd be all alone again.

She won't move for a while, so long as he lets her stay right where she is. But throughout it, a gentle wind seems to swirl around them, not enough to push, but almost as though creating a protective wall around them.]